The Root of My Trauma
My biggest mistake became a trauma that would haunt me for the next forty years. When I describe it in words, it sounds quite simple. However, the effect it would have on my nervous system was profound. I truly believe that it was the root cause of my anxiety, for which I have needed medication (on and off) since I was thirty-eight. It took twenty years for the anxiety to rear its ugly head, which led to counseling, reading, self-reflection and finally, admitting the root cause.
I was twenty-three and traveling through Europe on my own. I was taking the train from Copenhagen to Amsterdam to visit my relatives. I noticed in my train car a very good-looking, blond, Scandinavian young man and we got to talking. After some time, it came to light that he needed a place to stay in Amsterdam and I said I would ask my relatives, who had a huge house, if he could come stay with me. They agreed.
After our first night visiting with my relatives in the suburbs, we caught the train into Amsterdam to sight-see. As we approached the station, my new friend announced that he needed to meet someone, and he would see me afterwards. When I asked him why, he told me very casually that he was buying a brick of heroin to take back to Norway.
This is when my body went into system failure. I was having a full-on panic attack. I felt faint and nauseous and need to get to a bathroom immediately. I ran into the nearest café and emptied my body. Then I told him I still wasn’t feeling well and I would splurge to get a taxi back to my relatives’ place to rest. I did not explain myself until that night, when I asked him to collect his things and move on the next morning.
The combination of panic and fear, combined with the guilt and shame of bringing this unknown drug-dealer to stay at my aunt and uncles’ home, was a trauma that stayed buried inside me for another twenty years. Then suddenly, I became agoraphobic and could not ride on transit without feeling major panic all over again. Through reading and counseling, I learned that gradual exposure therapy, combined with medication, was the best way to tackle my fears. I started going for short car rides, then short bus rides, then Skytrain. With my husband’s support and love, I was able to conquer my fears over the next year or two.
I am sharing this so that others know that trauma can run deep and come up much later in your life, when you least expect it. I was fearful of medication at first, but it really helped me to cope and continue working full-time. If you experience panic attacks, I also encourage you to talk to your doctor, get counseling, and try to find the root cause. Wishing you all good mental health. Please subscribe and share your thoughts below.
