Old Friends / New Friends
As we move along our life trajectories, we sometimes struggle to maintain the friendships of old. Major life events such as leaving school or college, moving, changing jobs, and having kids inevitably leave a whole circle of people behind us. It takes real effort to reach out and connect with these people outside of these hermetically sealed environments.
It is useless to lament that so and so never calls me anymore. It is up to us to be the initiator if we want to see someone. If you’ve lost their number, it might take some research online or a shout-out through social media to find them, but it might just turn out to be worth the effort. There’s a good chance that person has also been thinking fondly of you and wondering where you got to.
Younger women always say that having babies has put the kibosh on their hangs with their old party mates. This may be true, but there is usually a new circle of women with kids around the neighborhood who take their place. You meet them outside the front door, at the playground or at childcare centres. If you make the effort to invite them to activities, these will become lasting bonds. They may not know your history, but you can still text and chat online with your old party mates if they don’t want to be around little kids right now. You can catch up with them later when your kids are at the mall.
Break-ups are another source of pain and strife, as your group of friends might choose sides and leave you in the lurch. Try not to be too bitter. If you really value someone, you can contact them after the dust settles and they will eventually realize that nobody was to blame in the separation. Just tell them that you don’t want to talk about your ex if that’s still a difficult subject and just enjoy their company. Plan a fun activity that will distract you from any past grievances.
Since I have retired, I have really taken stock of everyone I worked with over my thirty-year career and with whom I felt a strong enough connection to keep in touch with. There are about fifteen in total, mostly women. I actually made a list and go through it to remind myself to contact them every few months to see how they are doing and if they can meet up for a nature walk or coffee or lunch. I believe it is truly important to maintain these friendships as I get older in case, god forbid, my husband dies before me. I don’t want to be a lonely old widow with no friends. Call me a harsh realist; I will only take it as a compliment.
So, remember that maintaining friendships takes effort. You can still call up someone from high school who you haven’t seen for twenty years and they will probably be delighted to hear from a familiar voice who knows their stories. Even if you’re a shy person who can’t think on think on your feet, you can make a few notes to speak from before you call. Take a chance once in a while.
In the meantime, look around you at work and decide who do you really enjoy talking to or laughing with around the water cooler. We often don’t realize how important these people are to us until we have moved on and it’s too late. Reach out to them now and invite them for a cocktail outside of work. This will solidify the friendship as more than just colleagues and keep you together when you take that new gig that’s more inspiring. We’re all in this together.
