Quit Trying to Fix People who Don’t Want to be Fixed
Usually I try to write light pieces that will lift up your day, but in reality, I’m jaded. I have lived a lot of life and seen a lot of things. After working with families for thirty years as a teacher supporting students with learning challenges, I have seen situations where the adults clearly were not coping. I also married into a family full of multiple addictions. All these interactions have helped me see the light and I have learned to quit trying to fix people who do not want to be fixed.
My own first husband was an alcoholic and serial cheater. Everybody saw it but me, which left me feeling ashamed and embarrassed when it finally all came crashing down. He was that way before he met me, so why did I think I could change him? This is a young woman’s first relationship mistake. I was like a hamster jumping on a wheel that was never going to stop spinning.
My sister never had a decent relationship in her life. She suffered from chronic low self-esteem and chemical dependency. I helped her move away from umpteen bad situations by literally packing and driving the get-away car. My mother and I begged her to go for counseling, but she always thought she knew better than the counselors because she was a psych nurse. Thinking back, I realize she didn’t want to look at her own shit or was scared of what she might see in the mirror.
At work, I recall of lovely, kindhearted parent who offered to babysit her daughter’s classmate as the girl’s mother went for cancer treatments. She even gave her gave her clothes and shoes from her own child’s closet and organized a fundraiser for them because they couldn’t rub two nickels together. The recipient mother also suffered from mental illness and addiction. Eventually, the kind woman became an emotional punching bag, as the recipient turned on her, blamed her for all her problems, and moved away hurriedly. The charitable woman never knew what hit her.
One of my friends was psychologically abused by her husband, who never held down a job or had any money. For years he belittled her and eventually pinned her up against the wall and slapped her around. When she finally got the nerve up to leave him, he took their joint credit card and went to South America and she ended up paying for his whole trip, while she stayed home working and looking after their child.
What do all these stories have in common? Kind people have the natural impulse to want to help others, but my advice is wait until they ask for help. As soon as you imply that someone needs help, they resent you for it. How dare you think that you are better than them! They might be ashamed or terrified that you will expose their weakness, or even worse if they are addicts, you might block access their drug of choice. The real challenge is being able to spot these people before you get too close and wade in. I am jaded, but please tell me that I’m wrong.